Oh hi, hello. I have not written anything in two years.
One, corporate world ate me whole. Two, I was so good at writing about pain that when I found happiness I figured I just couldn’t write anything. Three, I promised to not write again, unless it has my name on it.
Well I’m back. Precisely because of the same three reasons. I hate the corporate world. I am in pain. And i’m still a coward who can’t put a name on anything she writes.
Wow, I don’t know how to start this. I can’t remember it, to write some random nice words about people who hurt me so much, people I chose to love anyway. I used to write because I want to remember, through stories that may be sad- beautiful and sad. That much I know. I’m never the type who wants to forget because I think that love or time is not something you can take back and the most that you can do about being hurt is to actually just remember the times that it made you feel so alive. The times when you actually thank God for feeling these things and being in that moment. Because that’s a beautiful thing and
I think that this person deserves something like that. You see, he was right, you know when he told me that this is a beautiful life. I am just too lame to stop trying to believe it because I lost him. What a waste right, the best thing I could do to remember what we had was to keep believing that one thing that makes it so special. And that no matter how I wanted to be the one who makes him happy, to be the one who listens to all the stupid and the nice things that he says, and to be with him when he’s happy or when he’s cursing under his breath or when he can’t stop laughing about something or when he’s just so mad he won’t talk, I am simply not that person. I should respect that and just hope that
One day I’ll see him again with a prefix on his name and I’d know he is finally where he wants to be. That he is helping people and he’s making his sister proud. You’ll just hope that years from now he’s in a cafe getting his morning coffee and an old random song will play and he’ll think it familiar, and it will give him a warm feeling in his heart and he doesn’t even know why. Cos he barely remember things! But it will. I just hope it will.
And you’ll just laugh at the fact that he doesn’t remember you at all or that you never made it to the sketchpad because it does not even matter. You just wanted him to be happy. And if he is happy, you know in your heart that once you met someone who changed your life and he’s getting all he deserves for being a gift to the world. That, he may not know. It may never occur to him but he is.
This always works, when I write. This is supposed to work. This should work. It might take just this one or a hundred like this but somehow I should be able to keep him off my mind, for a while. Sometimes I would just sit quietly in a bus and lose myself. I would ask for one more month, week, another chance to be with him. But it’s so selfish. Atlas will never love a selfish person. But know, that I am always gonna love you. And I will find you again, in our future lives, when we’re both cats.
So sleep well, good night. Sweet dreams. Til sunbeams find you on a nice Christmas morning.
I am always gonna love you.