When I read Life of Pi, there was this line that will always stick with me. It says that When you‘ve suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling.
I couldn’t agree more.
I’ve come to believe that I had in 20 years, been through a lot. I’ve lost a number of important people in my life. Sometimes I feel like it made me strong, sometimes all I know is that i’m really scared. When I lost my Mom I thought of it as the kind of pain that made me invincible. I never had a good talk with my Dad since she was gone. I thought of that relationship with my father as the biggest heartbreak a man ever put me through.
I’ve never been happy again, not until someone taught me what love really is. What it could do, how it can heal, how it can give us courage to accept someone for everything- even those things about him that will make you cry, that will make you think about how unfair life is . When you’re through that, when you’re through embracing the hardest parts of someone I think that, that’s when you really fall in love. But most especially, I realized how true love, genuine love can bring us not just to believe in someone else entirely but how this kind of love can inspire us to forgive ourselves. That we can be happy, that we should not let our grief for the past sabotage the good things that the future can bring. That we can stop punishing ourselves for what has happened. That we can simply be happy, and we should let ourselves be despite everything that’s been.
And when that love is gone, I realized that it was a wrong idea to measure your threshold of pain, at least when it comes to love and loss. That it won’t matter who you lost after you were robbed of the most precious thing in your life. I thought i’m good with the fact that one day I will lose you. But how can one be ever prepared to lose that one thing in life that makes you live it, really live it not just watch it pass until it ceases to. Because when I lost you, it hurt. And I can’t live with that truth. So everytime I will lose someone again, like this very night. I remember you. I remember how you walked out of my life. I remember the pain you caused me and I tell myself, it’s not even that close. I’m fine. I look at their faces and I tell myself, it’s okay because it wasn’t you. Whenever I am hurt. I make myself believe it’s still you, it’s you hurting me over and over again.
But it won’t do the trick this time. Hell, maybe it never did. Each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling.