427 miles

Tonight I Lost That Kind of Love

“But before she did, she asked the poets to record these moments

in song, and the architects to carve the song in marble,

and the marble to be selected from the most secret veins

of the earth and placed where no man could see it,

because that is the nature of love, because one walks alone

through the ruins of the heart, because the young must sleep

with their eyes open, because the angels tremble

from so much beauty, because memory moves in orbits

of absence, because she holds her hands out in the rain,

and rain remembers nothing, not even how it became itself.”

Las Ruinas del Corazon, Eric Gamalinda

 

Tomorrow, I know i’m gonna say “no”. And tomorrow for the rest of our lives, you’ll never look back. I’m not gonna regret it because you look good . I’m not gonna regret it because you were the achiever that you were. I’m not gonna regret it because you could give me the life I want by the kind of career you have. I will regret it because tonight I lost the man who could have been the love of my life no matter how cliche that may sound.

Tonight I lost the great story that I could tell my kids about if they shall ask me how I met their father. When we would laugh like the first time we talked and tell them why they were so lucky, to have a mother who has made a difference to the world as a filmmaker and a father who has helped the world as an engineer. I want them to see the world between the abstract and the technical. To measure beauty both in words and numbers. Who could better complete you than the kind of person you’re not, and yet you could love, with all of you.

Tonight I lost the better version of the screen worthy piece that started with “We met on his birthday.” The One. Now I would have to make do with the rest, the second best. The way I felt like I wrote him into life. He has the flaws that what really makes for me, a dream guy, perfect. He was the epitome of the man I thought would exist only in my mind. But tomorrow I would still say “no”.

Tonight I lost my shot at destiny. The man who tells me how he will love me. Who reads to me Neruda, who likes the same movies that I do. The one who gets me. The one with the same wavelength as mine. I’m sorry, can I borrow your words. Tonight I lost you, the one who wants the kind of love that will stay with him in bed, on a lazy day- reading books or watching Celine and Jesse. The one I could have gotten off the train with. The one who’d bring me to places I’ve never been. The one who’d close his eyes and tell me about the dreams he has. The one who would go back to Europe even if he doesn’t want to visit places twice, only because I wanna go to Paris. I lost the kind of man who finishes my sentences, who says my favorite lines even without having actually listened to the song or seen the movie. “And listen to the silence of two heartbeats”, isn’t it? I lost the kind of love that I want as much as I pray to God he did.

But he was too, the man who wanted the kind of love that could say “No.” if that’s what it takes. And I will. He was the man who wanted the kind of love that knows how to wait. And even if it means losing the kind of love we both want, it is too the love that needs to wait. It will. I pray it will. And I will meet you again, siguro sa ibang mundo. I know we will. And til then, I’m gonna be dreaming about being the girl you would want to propose to at the Eiffel Tower.


 

on the 25th of september, 427 mi away from the man of my dreams

of letters that were  never sent and replies that were never read. 

this is the last of ’em. and good night, good night . 

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