The Definition of Her

One day I want to stop wanting to become better. One day I want to stop rising from all this mess. One day I want to stop hoping that one day when I am a better person in a better place I would find you again and I could finally fight for you because I know that by that time, I already deserve someone like you.

I want to stop wanting to deserve you because you said so that love does not work that way. I want to become the person you thought I could be, not because I don’t want to fail you. But because I want to stop failing myself anymore. I want to chase my dreams not in the hope  that it will lead me back to you. I want this journey to not be about finding you again. I want it to be about finding myself. I want to learn to love again. And I want to fall in love with myself more than I did with you or any one in my life.

I want to start thinking about a good future that does not resemble anything that forms into your image. I want to imagine a good dream that does not end in your embrace. I want to listen to a good song that does not sing to me the memory of you. I want to watch a beautiful film that does not allude to anything that you said, wrote, or made me feel. I want to witness the Sun rise again, breaking into the infinite sky, in its absolute reign- not the rays that gently touch your face, not the light in your eyes, not the glow of your spirit, nor the vague sense of sadness that you feel towards something that is really really beautiful and ephemeral, the one feeling that renders you powerless over unutterable beauty.

I long for that sense of peace and security that rests in knowing that you love me, that I am yours, and that I could fall asleep in your arms. Only that, now I want it to be the kind that gives me enough power to rest at night, fulfilled and satisfied even in the company of just thin sheets and fluffy pillows. I want to look in the mirror and see a person who’s capable of loving and being loved by someone else. I don’t want to see the girl that’s waiting for herself to transform into someone who’s capable of loving you well and being loved as much by you, in return. One day I want to wake up and live again and understand life, without you.

One day I want to know that I am a better person who’s gone to a better place. One day when I meet you again, if I am really meant to meet you again,  I want to know that I am who I am and not a part of me was ever defined by you.

"Leaving feels good and pure only when you leave something important, something that mattered to you. Pulling life out by the roots. But you can't do that until your life has grown roots.”  ― John Green, Paper Towns

“Leaving feels good and pure only when you leave something important, something that mattered to you. Pulling life out by the roots. But you can’t do that until your life has grown roots.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

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