One with the Blower’s Daughter

One with the Blower’s Daughter

I lied.

I lied about everything except that I love you. But what is love if only love was true.

I played the game and she was real. How could she not be real. She was so real to you. She was the one who made you laugh. She was the one who understands you. She was willing to give you all, but not a piece of me. But what could be complete without a piece. She couldn’t love you except through me.

I could love you. That was her envy. You love her. That was my envy.

She was the one who wanted to hold you. But I could not handle you because, because I don’t want to break you. I have the only thing she needs. She has all the things I want.

I fix shattered pieces. And for so long I got used to scratches and the pain. That when I find something whole, it breaks. In my hands it breaks. It forgets what it was. But you, you couldn’t forget what you are.

You remind me by being so pure that I am scarred. You are beautiful. And all i’ve ever had were fragments of monsters. You are precious. And all I ever had was trash.

And somehow that too, I became. I’m not the one you need.

I don’t want to break you only because I am broken. Because you don’t deserve that. Because if only love should love, it should make all things honest and brave. You deserve all and not only a piece of truth. Not even that I love you. It isn’t enough.

You can hurt me but it wouldn’t hurt as bad as I am already hurt. Because hurt bores me now. Because when I try to fix the people I love, they hurt me instead and when the ones who love me try to fix me, I hurt them instead. There was no other way to go. I can only hurt you. And it wouldn’t be a beautiful kind of pain.

I wish I was her. I wanted to give you all and I wanted to be the one for you. I love you. But I don’t even want you to love me because I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not the one you fell in love with. And I can’t be her. I would miss a once in a lifetime if that’s what it takes. I will remember your name and I wish you would forget mine. I want to meet you again even in another life, in a time when I have become her.

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