It hurts when you wanted so much to belong to something that doesn’t want you in.
You give it all trying to prove yourself and yet you still find yourself not a bit deserving. Not even after you’ve risked your life for it. Not after you make it your priority. Not after you gave it all your time and effort. Not after all the shit you went through that only some people have known. And the only consolation maybe is the presence of these few people. That and perhaps carrying the same estranged family name, the way strangers would look up to merely a name.
You are trying to fit in a home that doesn’t welcome you as family. It’s like being in the same troop in time of war but in peace time, you start pointing guns to each other’s heads. It only gives you a fleeting sense of recognition and affirmation, during those times you almost died. At times you have finally done something good and beneficial to all.
But it ends there. And you wonder why acceptance could never be, for you, something that is truly endowed when it is in fact something you already have the right to demand. Why does it have to be something you earn over and over and you never really got rightfully compensated.
You have just always been looking up to something that never truly wrapped itself around you. You are in the periphery. You are always trying to squeeze in and you never really got it right. You have admired and aspired for something that even after you legitimately made your way to, has never really embraced you with such equal love and affection.
Didn’t think unrequited love could also be a collective expression. It’s like several people rejecting you over and over, all at once… when you have more than once proved your love and commitment.