If we got nothing

I was supposed to write this for you. It was meant to thank you for everything you have done for me from the simplest of not freaking out whenever I flood you with stupid text messages to those unforgettable moments you saved me from stupid situations I put myself into, and for saving me, most of all, from myself.


I was supposed to write this to thank you. I remember how much I convinced myself that I write well but I don’t and I especially don’t compared to you. And as I am writing I am thinking that if I shall make a single grammatical mistake, would you judge me or would it ruin the moment. But you never judged me or so because I have embarrassed myself enough that you have judged me enough. So a little mistake in English won’t matter anymore. Does it matter when you knew how much I have made a fool of myself so many times, how much I let opportunities pass when I could grab them and make the most of what I think I could do. But I was so afraid, I always think I am good for nothing. 


There are so many things I have to thank you for. But I don’t know if it would be useful to you. Why did I not tell you this, why did I put it here instead. I was supposed to write this for you, but most of the time I feel like I am writing this for myself. I have thought about this when you asked me why are we not making good films. I told you we are just too lazy to do so. But now I realized that I could not make good films because I can only make films for myself, just as I can only write this for myself. Because I am afraid. Because I cannot make a statement that everyone will agree with. I am afraid of criticism, or mere rejection. I am afraid because not everyone can judge me like you do. Not everyone can give me a judgment i’d gladly deal with.


And now, if these things I said won’t be of much help to what you are feeling right now. I just want to remind you of that one thing I remember about you when we were younger and when we were just hopefuls, when UP-CMC was just an idea of back then, when I think of you as someone who brings out the best in people. You still do. 

If we got nothing, we got us.


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